This is a summary of the main ideas that I’ve learned from this book:

Be a mirror

• Negotiation is not about tension and conflict. Use conversation and build rapport to get people to talk and think together. Great negotiations aim to uncover as much information as possible.
• Don’t just make assumptions. See them as hypotheses that should be tested rigorously.
• Quiet the voices in your head. Focus on the other person, and what they are saying.
• Slowing down the conversation is crucial for building rapport and trust. Otherwise, people would feel ignored.
• Positivity and smiling can do wonders for creating a collaborative frame, and dispelling resistance.
• There are 3 types of voice tones to use during negotiations:
  • Positive/Playful: Easygoing and good-natured. Should be the default one.
  • Late-night FM DJ: Calm and slow with downward inflections. Used to make a point, build trustworthiness and authority, without triggering pushbacks.
  • Direct and assertive: Rarely used. May create pushbacks.
• Mirroring is a powerful tool. By repeating the last one to three crucial words that someone said, we would encourage them to talk more, get more time to regroup and facilitate bonding by insinuating similarity.

Don’t feel their pain, label it

• Empathy is the basis of a healthy human interaction. It doesn’t mean that you agree with the person’s ideas, but it communicates to them that you’re actually listening and appreciating the other person’s opinion.
• Reasons why an agreement won’t happen are more powerful than the reasons why it would happen. It’s therefore important to clear up any barriers or negative influences by getting them in the open, rather than denying their existence.
• Label your counterpart’s fears to dispel their power. The faster you eliminate fears, the sooner you reach a feeling of safety.
• Perform an accusation audit by listing the worst things your counterpart could say about you. As these claims are often exaggerated, the other person may even be encouraged to claim the contrary.
• Combine tactics like mirroring statements and labeling barriers with a pause. Usually, the other party would fill the silence after things sink in.

Beware “Yes” - Master “No”

• Being pushed for a “yes” makes people defensive. Asking for it quickly makes us look untrustworthy.
• “No” is not necessarily a failure, but rather the beginning of the negotiation. It may mean things like “wait”, or “not comfortable with that”.
• By saying what they don’t want, your counterpart defines their space, and gains confidence in listening to you. “Is this a bad time to talk ?” is better than “Do you have a few minutes to talk ?”
• You can push for a “No” by asking ridiculous questions or mislabeling emotions. Statements that would be answered negatively like “it seems that you want this project to fail.” may get your counterpart to listen and engage carefully.
• Persuasion is about the other person thinking that a solution you want is actually your idea. Ask questions that lead to your path, instead of trying to be smooth and convincing.

Trigger the two words that transform any negotiation: That’s right

• A person will adopt a more constructive behaviour once they feel that their dreams and feelings are really understood.
• “Yes” and “you’re right” are rapidly thrown out in interactions, but they are in no way a substitute for real understanding between different parties.
• Reaching “that’s right” on the other hand, creates breakthroughs in the negotiation.
• A good summary of the situation can trigger those two words. Use labels, paraphrasing and rearticulating and emotionally affirming your counterpart’s “world view”.

Bend their reality

• Splitting the difference or meeting halfway, is like wearing two shoes of different colours. It leads to a bad deal for both sides.
• Leverage deadlines to entice people to rush negotiations and take impulsive decisions that may not be in their interest.
• Fear of loss usually overshadows the desire to win. Make sure that your counterpart sees that there is something to lose.
• Set an extreme anchor when you give your first “offer”, to make the “real” one seem reasonable. Use odd numbers and ranges to give your number more credibility.
• “Fair” is an emotional word that people use to put someone on the defensive and gain concessions. Don’t lose the frame, ask them to explain how you’re being “unfair” to them instead.

Create the illusion of control

• In a conversation, the talker is usually revealing useful information. The listener is the one who’s in control and has the ability to direct the situation towards their needs.
• Don’t try to force your opponent into admitting that you’re right.
• Asking the other party for help, by using words like “How” and “What”, gives them the illusion of control, and leads them into speaking more, and devising more energy to find a solution for your problem.
• Questions that can be answered with a “yes” reveal little information.
• Using the word “why” is almost always accusatory, unless you want your counterpart to defend a decision that serves you.
• There is always a team on the other side. If you’re not influencing them, you’re vulnerable to bad surprises.
• Never get emotional during negotiations, even when being attacked.

Guarantee execution

• A “yes” is worth nothing, without knowing the answers to the different “how’s”. These questions keep your counterpart engaged in finding solutions - your solutions.
• You can ask how a deal affects other people at the table, and how on board they are.
• You can find out whether a “yes” is a real one, by following the rule of three, and using summaries, labels and calibrated questions, to reaffirm their agreement at least three times. It’s hard to continuously fake conviction.
• The rule of 7-38-55 states how much of a message is based on the speaker’s choice of words, tone of voice and body language. Pay attention to any incongruencies between those.
• Always use your first name, to make yourself a real person to the other side, and possibly get a personal discount.
• A person using “I” and “me” a lot, usually has no real authority, as a savvy decision maker would be using “we” and “us” to keep their options open.

Bargain hard

• Identify your counterpart’s negotiating style, how they interpret silence and they enjoy spending the negotiation time: Analyst (preparation), accommodator (relationship building) or assertive (time is money).
• When pressure is on, you don’t rise to the occasion. You fall back to your highest level of preparation. Prepare your bargaining arguments in advance.
• The best negotiators lead with an extreme anchor to kick you off your game. Be ready to use your dodging tactics, and don’t get sucked into compromising.
• Set boundaries and never punch back with anger. The situation is the problem, not the person on the other side of the table.
• An Ackerman plan consists of an extreme anchor, calibrated questions, and well-defined offers with decreasing raises (65, 85, 95, 100 percent), ending on non-round numbers. This gives your counterpart the feeling that they are squeezing you, while you’re actually heading to the number that you want.

Find the blackswan

• Finding the black swans, the unknown unknowns, is intrinsically hard because we don’t know the questions to ask. Let the known knowns guide you, but not blind you.
• Black swans are leverage multipliers against your counterpart. They could be positive (something they want), negative (hurts them) or normative (manipulates them through norms and morals.)
• Understand the other side’s “religion”, their worldviews and emotional life.
• Listen between the lines, double-check what they say and review notes.
• People are more apt to concede to someone they have common ground or ideas with. Leverage this similarity principle.
• If someone seems irrational or crazy, the cause of this might be external constraints, hidden desires or bad information.
• Get face time and pay attention to verbal and non-verbal communication, especially during unguarded moments.